People Just as Crazy as Me

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Lemons Lemonade....

I have nothing to write.
I am dumbfounded...
I am lost... I am ...

Done.

***here comes the explosion**

I am utterly done.
I cried myself to sleep AGAIN....
I am not built for this...
It's just a little too much...
I couldn't even eat... I had, ready for this 4 mini sweet peppers dipped in hummus.. and a couple chunks of pineapple... THAT ISN'T A FREAKING DINNER... That's pathetic.

I woke up hungry...
I woke up unmotivated...
I looked at the elliptical and sobbed.... so I walked on the treadmill... with a steep incline... and then... I ran for a little... but not long...

I went to chapel service, and tried to hear a message... Tried to throw it up to whatever is above us... Give me a hint dude, I know you're there somewhere.... HELP ME....

I'm sure I got his voicemail.... he'll call back.... eventually.

I really really wish that I could figure this out.

I think what was making me stronger was the knowledge.... that Klay was on my side with this whole Mom thing...

Well.. he is... and he isn't... and he was the one making the fuss with me.... and now... I can't even talk about it.

Then, while he was spewing his opinion out of his mouth.. he called me girlfriend.... and I know that was because of quick verbal mouth diarrhea... but, I still... I still was shocked.... and I know it's just a word... but, it took all my strength not to harp on it....

And I didn't.

I AM HURT.

Then, I get this nonsense at work...

Why is it.. that people....
 There is someone at work, who has been going around... telling the entire world that she had a miscarriage....
Now, this is an awful thing, for any woman....

But she is... well....
No one believes her.

And so, I think she wanted someone on her side... so she started to tell me ALL THE FUCKING DETAILS....

but, of course, that made me distrust the information even more...

Due to...personal reasons, and the fact that her description and time table don't line up with what she says she is experiencing...

But, because I have no strength and no want to call her on it...
I listened...
I told her she'd be okay...
And... well....

that was it...

But, i was utterly tired from the conversation... not having it with her... but with trying not to overly question what she was saying... and make the conversation last any longer than it PHYSICALLY HAD TO.

I have had to re do reports today.. because my boss released these notifications for things that happened LAST MONTH... but, no, of course that couldn't be said BEFORE I did the reports. That be THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

Everything is spilling over into this cup of depression I have...
Everything is bothering me right now...

And that's not good.
And I am trying to breathe through it...
I'm trying to remember that in the darkest times... there is light... You just got to push through.. and get there...

Life is bumpy
Life is messy.
Not all rainbows and butterflies....

I'm just tired.

Maybe it's a sign... maybe I need to make a change....

But, what...

You... know I hope the Almighty checks the voicemail soon... I got questions that need answering



2 comments:

  1. I can't help you with the subject of the "almighty", but I know what you're going through and know that you have to get through this on your own as much as that sucks to say. I hate seeing you so down :( And I don't think I have the best solutions myself... last time I felt like everything was crumbling down on me, I went and did some self destructive drinking... it worked but I paid for it. I just needed to feel... I don't know how to describe it.

    And it literally hurts me to hear that you're hurt. But I'm sure Clay can mend that part :)

    As far as your coworker... I feel sorry for her no matter what really happened. If she indeed did have a miscarriage, it's actually true that they tell you to talk about it whenever you can stomach it because it helps you cope and it truly does (from experience). But if she didn't, then I feel sorry for her still... because she think s she has to lie about something so hurtful to get some pity.

    I'm sending you a digital hug which I know isn't as good as the real thing ((HUG)) but it just might make you smile a little bit and that's worth it to me

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  2. Whoa have I missed something huge here? I haven't been online much when I do have the internet but I am catching up on things and I only read a few posts and before I have to go back to my house I wanted to email you, since I don't have much more time on here to read more. Are you alright?? I have been thinking about you and your engagement and wanted to know how things are going hon. Email me at decaylavoncorpse@gmail.com and give me some info woman! I am worried about your sanity *HUG*

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